Got your attention? Good. Develop.
A few days ago Samantha S Hall posted about Shame and how destructive it can be. I value Samantha’s connection (established through Twitter) and find that we share several background characteristics. I do not disagree that shame can be supremely distructive. However, I want to share two instances of how shame actually helped me.
I learned that Ms Hall and I have in common a development of co-dependency while living in abusive homes at early ages; growing up I learned that emotions=weakness. Her post really put me into a reflective mode, and I like that.
She also mentioned (the Western) Dalai Lama. It is strange how certain words or phrases can create connections in the most unlikely places. Those two words linked shame and China in my mind.
China
I spent six years in China; five of those on university campuses. One of the first things I noticed was that China was much more open-minded than the U.S. I saw gay and lesbian couples walking, arm-in-arm everywhere! Young college-aged men sat in each others laps on the buses; nobody seemed to notice. College women walked across campus holding hands in public. Both sexes would openly embrace, and walk across campus with arms around (same-sex couples) necks! When I ventured off campus, I began to notice that this behavior was everywhere! How could such things be possible? Wasn’t China known for its terrible human rights record? I was taken aback, to say the least.
Guess what? They weren’t Gay or Lesbian. They were just friends. Not “besties” either. Just friends. My western socialization, whether it was from a micro- or macro-level socialization I cannot be sure, had put the belief in my mind that those relationships were sexual. I assumed if you sat in someone’s lap on a bus, you had an intimate relationship. I assumed if you walked across campus holding hands, you were “more than just friends.” That wasn’t (and isn’t) the case in China.
It wasn’t pretty when I learned the truth. I was (teaching, leadership) in class, and began to openly discuss GLBTA issues. I realized that the class was incredibly uncomfortable. When I queried several students, I was assured that my topic was Taboo. I responded, “But you have so many openly homosexual people here!” The looks on the students’ faces (in hindsight) were priceless. At the time it was rather scary.
Once I realized how far off my assumptions were, the students began to scold me. “You Westerners always think about sex!” and “Why is everything always about sex?” I was terribly ashamed.
However that shame led me to introspectively examine my assumptions and beliefs. It wasn’t an easy process, and I still struggle, but that instance of shame still creates a desire in me to improve.
After returning from China, I began looking for a job. I had joined a local Jobseekers group and was practicing interviewing. After an interview, a mentor looked at me and said, “Vince, you are unlike any PhD I ever met. You are a real person.” Now that was intended as a compliment, but I didn’t take it that way. I was suddenly ashamed that I had a doctorate degree. I immediately responded, “Well I only have a PhD because I worked at university and got $5 classes; I thought it was a waste not to keep taking the coursework.”
Humility?
The mentor (well trained in personal development, thankfully) looked at me sternly and asked, “Did you just apologize for being educated?” WOW! I had! I was a first-generation college student and I continually struggle with the separation from my family that education has “provided.” I didn’t realize until that moment though how much I struggled. How could I possibly be ashamed of an education?! As Ms Hall pointed out in her post, this particular behavior stemmed from an incredible need to be a people-pleaser. In my case, I was using false humility to avoid making others uncomfortable.
My counselor and I discussed that issue several times. We eventually linked it to a powerful co-dependency “tendency” of mine. But, it is something over which I am beginning to gain control, because of that “shameful” feeling at that particular moment.
As I stated in the beginning, I agree that shame is a powerful, destructive, negative force. It can lead to positive development if we address it and stop covering it up. In my case, today, I can be thankful and appreciative of at least those two instances of shame. I also no longer believe that displaying emotion equals weakness; perhaps we could begin to reframe shame as a starting point, emotionally, rather than getting caught up in the vicious co-dependency cycle.